*Man regains consciousness. He is standing before the pearly gates of heaven. Next to him is a kiosk with an angel. She is painting her nails.*
“Where am I?”
*Angel continues painting nails.*
“You’re at Disneyland.”
“Please, can you tell me what’s going on? I was just walking through the Walmart parking lot with my new copy of Season 2 of The Office on Blu-ray. I really love that show.”
*Angel rolls her eyes and sighs. Angel stops painting her nails and looks at man.*
“You’re dead now. You got hit by a car. Sorry.”
*Man processes his death.*
“Oh, oh my god…”
*Woman flips open the laptop on the counter of her kiosk. It’s a MacBook Pro M2.*
“You want in or what?”
*Man regains his senses.*
“I.. I guess I do, yeah.”
“Let me pull up your record.”
*Angel starts typing loudly.*
“Is that a MacBook Pro?”
“Yeah. We got them when Steve Jobs died.”
“Oh. It’s nice that he got into heaven.”
“We were on the fence about him. But he had good tech.”
*Woman stops typing.*
“You’re Dennis Flenaggan, yeah?”
“That’s right.”
“It says here that you didn’t pay taxes for three years.”
“I did pay them, I just paid them late. Why does that matter? Isn’t that something for the government to deal with?”
“Heaven is a branch of the US government. Do you have your passport?”
“No.”
“You can’t get in without it. You’re gonna have to go back and get it.”
“How do I do that?”
“You can fill out this application to return as a ghost. The approval rate is arbitrary and it takes about seven to twelve years to process.”
*Man is displeased.*
“This is ridiculous!”
*Angel shrugs.*
“You can try winning a Mr. Universe contest. Usually they let the winner in and they can become governor of heaven. It will also be good for your acting career.”
*Angel points to a nearby Mr. Universe contest.*
“I can’t win that. I have the body of a tiny twink.”
“They don’t judge you based on your actual competence. Only on your perceived competence. Just tell that them that you’re strong and attack the other competitors. Confidence is everything.”
*Man enters Mr. Universe contest. Man gets up on stage with other contestants.*
“I’m really strong!”
*Man gets some attention from the crowd.*
*Another man says “I’m really strong!” He gets attention from the crowd.*
“That man isn’t strong! That man is weak!”
*Crowd is unsure.*
*Competition ensues. Other contestant defends his strength. Man says other contestant is weak more times than other contestant says he’s not weak. Man is very convincing. Man wins and is given a beer. Man returns to kiosk.*
*Angel has resumed painting her nails.*
“Wow. That really worked.”
*Angel does not look up from nails.*
“Whoopie.”
“Can I go in now?”
*Angel sighs.*
“Ugh, yes. Here is your badge. Scan this to get in and out of the gate. If you have to smoke, take it outside.”
*Angel hands him plastic badge.*
“You guys smoke here?”
“Yeah. It’s heavily taxed. Good revenue for the state.”
*Man scans badge and enters pearly gates of Heaven. Man begins shouting.*
“Hello, God??”
*A nearby Angel is annoyed.*
“You sound like an idiot right now.”
“Is God here?”
“No. He lives in Kansas.”
“Hey, you look a lot like Steve Jobs..”
*Steve Jobs angel starts walking away.*
“Wait! How can I talk to God?”
*Steve Jobs angel turns around.*
“You have to meet him in solo queue.”
“What?”
“God is top rank League player. If you match with him and you’re lucky, he’ll send you a Discord link.”
*Man is astounded.*
“Damn. Even God plays League..”
“His Summoner name is SukkMyShrooms. Sometimes he streams on Twitch.”
“Jesus Christ. Does that mean..?”
*Steve Jobs angel walks off.*
*Man puts his head in his hands as he realizes God is a Teemo main.*
*Man leaves Heaven and goes to the angel at the kiosk.*
“I’ve had enough. I want out.”
*Angel is playing Candy Crush.*
“How do I get to Hell?”
*Angel gestures vaguely.*
“Elevator.”
*Man steps into Hellevator. There are three buttons. Heaven, Hell, and Macy’s.*
“I do need a new coat..”
*Man pushes button to Hell.*
*Man arrives at Hell. Elevator doors open. Man steps outside.*
“Hello? Satan?”
*Satan is sitting at a nearby computer with a copy of FL Studio 21 on the screen. Satan is wearing sunglasses and smoking a fat blunt.*
“Sup.”
“Is this Hell?”
“Yuh.”
“Where is everybody?”
*Satan pulls out a chair.*
“Sit down. We makin’ hits n****!”
*Man sits down. Satan starts playing fire beats.*
“Damn Satan. These beats are f***ing fire!”
“I know n****.”
*Satan holds out blunt.*
“Smoke weed?”
*Man takes the blunt and takes a hit. Satan’s weed is satanically dank. Man gets high. Man starts coughing. Satan laughs.*
“Play that one with the baby laugh again..”
*Man starts losing consciousness.*
*Man wakes up in the back of an ambulance.*
Paramedic 1: “He’s back. Nice work Paramedic 2.”
Paramedic 2: “Should I paddle him again?”
Paramedic 1: “Hold on there, cowboy.”
*Man is confused.*
Man: “What? No.. I was making fire beats with Satan..!!!”
Paramedic 1: “Welcome back to the real world buddy. This yours?”
*Paramedic 1 holds up copy of The Office Season 2 on Blu-Ray.*
Man: “Yes, that’s mine, thanks for grabbing it. I really love this show.”
Paramedic 1: “No problem pal. You a Democrat?”
Man: “What? Yes, yes I’ve been a Democrat since the 60’s, I mean I don’t agree with everything they do but -“
Paramedic 1: “Shock him again.”
*Paramedic 2 shocks Man. Man dies.*
*Man regains consciousness. He is laying on the floor of a Macy’s.*
*Man dressed as a Christmas elf stands over him.*
“Hi welcome to Macy’s. Everyone ends up here eventually.”
“Where’s the elevator? I just want to go back to Hell.”
“Sorry pal, elevator’s down for maintenance. What that really means is all of the mechanics are getting naked and having a sexy party.”
*Man puts his head in his hands.*
“Hey, it’s not all bad. You got here just in time for our Christmas sale. Everything’s 99% more expensive.”
*Elf gives Man gift card for $10.*
“This one’s on us. Go crazy.”
“Thanks..”
*Man takes gift card. Man accepts new reality. Man cannot afford to buy anything except a backup button for a pair of pants. Man enjoys window shopping and lives out his eternal afterlife at Macy’s in peace.*
HAKUMUSU 