July 4th, 2025

Happy AMERICA Day!!!!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

Interviewer: “What is your favorite food?”

Crab #1: “Seaweed.”

Interviewer: “What do you like to do – “

Crab #1: “But on a fancy day, a bubble filled with salmon oil.. no, no, not salmon, we don’t eat salmon. Just a bubble. From near a Dairy Queen. The air is from Dairy Queen. It has french-fried air. That’s very important.”

Crab #1, sewing intensely: “Sewing takes a long ass time. But it’s definitely easier than…”

Interviewer: “Than what?”

Crab #1: “Easier than crocheting.”

Interviewer: “How do you spell croquet?”

Crab #1: “I don’t know. I’m a crab.”

Interviewer: “Crocheting. It’s crocheting.”

*A second crab appears.*

Crab #2: “Can I give my answer?”

Interviewer: “Sure.”

Crab #2: “Anything.”

Interviewer: “What? Oh, anything.”

(Interviewer realizes that Crab #2 is answering the favorite food question.)

Interviewer: “Okay, great. What do you like to do on your days off?”

Crab #1: “Umm.. I like to sit on a pile of gold doubloons, and rub my claws together, and go heh heh heh.”

Interviewer: “Crab #2?”

Crab #2: “Scuttle.”

(Interviewer nods approvingly.)

Interviewer: “What do you like most about being a crab?”

Crab #2: “Scuttling.”

Interviewer: “Sure. Makes sense.”

Crab #1: “I like.. clicking my claws.”

Interviewer: “Very nice.”

Interviewer: “What is your highest aspiration in life?”

Crab #2: “Thrive.”

Crab #1, to Crab #2: “Boring…”

Crab #1: “My greatest aspiration is to become the Swimness Book of World Records (the underwater version of the Guiness Book of World Records) for highest claw clacks per minute.”

Crab #2, to Crab #1: “That’s not what a crab would want. I’m detecting fake crab.”

Crab #1, sewing a sock puppet: “Could be true. How would I know what a crab would want? I was born here just like everybody else. Perhaps I was born a mollusk.”

Interviewer: “Let’s get back on track.”

Interviewer: “If you were going to be used as a food dish for humans, what dish would you like to be a part of?”

Crab #1: “Cake. Crab cake.”

Crab #2: “I morally object to the question.”

Crab #1: “Oooh, you are a real crab! You reject crab death.”

(Both crabs laugh.)

Interviewer: “Well.. umm.. You guys got any questions for me?”

Crab #1: “Is it true that you guys.. That…. Oh, I can’t think of a question.”

Crab #2: “Are we supposed to ask you a question?”

Interviewer: “You don’t have to.”

Crab #2: “Why do you love?”

Interviewer: “Why.. Why do I love..? Why not?”

Crab #1: “My question is, what store in the mall is your favorite? I wish I could go to the mall.”

Interviewer: “Red Lobster.”

Crab #1, sad: “No….!”

Interviewer: *Chuckling.*

Crab #1: “That’s not at the mall.”

Interviewer: “You know I went to Build-A-Bear once, and had a great time.”

*Crab #2 starts giving Crab #1 a crab massage. Crabs are now discussing playing DND.*

Interviewer: “Alright guys, let’s wrap this up.”

Crab #1: “Let’s scrab.. rab.. Let’s crab this up.”

Interviewer: “Any last words?”

Crab #2: “Finally! Freedom!”

Crab #1: “When I go up to heaven, I want to be a seahorse next time.”

Interviewer: “I hope that comes true for you.”

Crab #1, confident: “It will. I pray to Crab Buddha.”

Thank you to my crab interviewees who were real people channeling their inner crab for this interview. Crab #1 lines, written by: Rachel. Crab #2 has requested anonymity.