For no particular, discernable reason, today is a day of happiness. We could try to explore and unpack why exactly that is, if we so desired (and by we, I use the Queen’s we here, of course). The sun shines, weather is warm, that always matters. But of course, it goes much deeper. I could expound upon it, but for what purpose? It is not necessary.
It is so fascinating, the human psychology, that fluctuates so much between days, weeks, months. The periods that we go through, that influence us all, the ebbs and flows. They are mysterious, and they are explainable. And they come, and they go, and that is how we are.
I wake up today, and I feel at peace. I feel no pressure to be, or to do, and I feel content with where I am, and what I have ahead of me for the day, and in my near future. And that is a great feeling, that we probably all yearn for and wish to have.
I am happy to be feeling this feeling, I’ll tell you that. Prolonged feelings of yearning and striving and restlessness do not make for feelings of deep peace and joyfulness.
I’m happy to be here at the gym today. I have no reason not to be. I have my books, I can read them. The chocolate mint protein bars have expired, and I can eat ten of them and get 200g of protein, if I wish, and this is very unfortunate and a terrible temptation, because simply one of them makes me feel sick to my stomach, possibly because they are manufactured on a machine line like bricks at a factory (that’s how I imagine they’re made, anyway). Well, at least they have an expiry date. They certainly seem like the kind of food that would stay the same for ten years or a century.
I have taken up making doodles, drawing them on the sidewalk in front of the gym. This is something that I have thought a lot about, and has mattered much more than I ever thought it would. But actually, I am just doing the same thing that the kids that climb here do, when they create their little works of art on sticky notes and leave them around for people to enjoy and interact with. It is a mode of personal expression, of being and being seen, and bringing something to others. And then, it is an important part of the process, that there is some recognition, and validation, that these works are approved of and appreciated, and yet – most of that, the artist will not see. Those little artworks will go on to live a life of their own, they will be left behind by artist, and then someday, they will cease to exist. They are only temporary, but we make them anyway. To be enjoyed for an indefinite but brief period of time.
My sidewalk doodles lasted for much, much longer than I expected them to. I came back to the gym after a week away, and they were still there, nearly perfectly intact. Without rain, they don’t go anywhere. Rain, the bringer of life, is their particular destroyer. These chalk doodles are living long lives, and my second round of doodles that live on the chalk now, they have existed since last Saturday – come tomorrow they will have lived yet again an entire week. And I know that they have brought people delight.
My first round made children stop and stare, were photographed, examined by a couple. I saw this from the window. My second round, Luke tells me, someone was trying to translate the Japanese I wrote on the ground. My doodles are being observed, interacted with, and appreciated, which is everything that we could ever ask for from our doodles.
What is interesting to me, shocking even, is how much enjoyment and meaning I have gotten out of seeing other people enjoying my doodles. Did I make them for others? Maybe I did. I think that subconsciously I have made them for others, and have desired that others like them. Because, I want to create these works for others, to bring them something interesting and joyful. That is their purpose.
Yet, I also made them for me. For fun, really, being bored, but I think also to decorate my environment. Perhaps this particular space is just lacking in that way, and I have felt a need to spruce it up. That could be. As well as, that I felt a need to be seen, and be witnessed, in some way. I think that is part of it too. To leave my mark. There are many reasons why I have wanted to make these doodles.
The chalk comes from the hair salon next door. They have a bucket of chalk in various colors attached to their front door. It was months before I had the idea to go out and make some chalk doodles, in some serious depths of boredom. And one of the people I saw smiling and photographing the doodles, a young woman wearing a red beret and an interesting black and white checkered coat, I saw her and thought, maybe she works at the hair salon. Maybe the chalk was her idea. And then, this would be bringing her special delight, to see her chalk put to good use. Well, I saw her later, coming out of the salon, and I know that she does work there, and I bet the chalk was her idea. And that made me happy, to know that she was happy.
Thinking about subjectivity of art – I was feeling quite energetic and pent up, on my second round of doodles. The first time, I felt tranquil and inspired. I think this could be seen in the work, looking at the characters and the writing, although perhaps less than you would think. And the second round, I made some creatures that were a little more exotic and strange, for me. I made a dark-grey octopus creature, and little round guys with wicked smiles and horns, and a strange guy, with pinpoint eyes and a small smile, and no other discernable features. I wrote some more Japanese, and overall I thought it was an eclectic display, and not my best work, but I did it at least, and it was art. And then, as I have seen them several times since, I think that I actually like these doodles much more than I did when I first made them, and that they are interesting. See how subjective we are about our work, and the way our mood affects our perception of things, of all things.
A long time ago I read a book called Never Let Me Go, by Kazuo Ishiguro. I was not in a mature enough place to really understand and appreciate the themes in this book, I think. I remember not being very impressed by it. It did not mean that much to me. And I remember when looking at some questions that were meant to be used in classroom discussions regarding the book, that were included in the book I think, for educators, that one of the questions was, “Why does Tommy draw his creatures? Why does he keep drawing his creatures even when he finds out _____?” (No spoilers, but it’s a bad thing he finds out.) I thought that question was so interesting, and I have been thinking about that, since I’ve been thinking about my doodles. I’ve been thinking about Tommy’s doodles.
At the time, when I saw that question, I thought, “It’s not that deep. Tommy likes to make creatures, so he makes creatures.” But, now, with my doodles, and thinking about what they mean to me, and how much they have meant, I see now that there is more to it. There is much more to it.
Why did Tommy doodle? For freedom of expression? As an act of defiance? Because it gave him a sense of control? To escape reality? Probably all of these things. And why does he keep doing it, in the face of a bad thing? Because otherwise he would be losing himself, and he would be admitting defeat. He would be letting life beat him, and he wasn’t going to be beaten. That’s why Tommy drew his creatures, and kept drawing them, despite a bleak reality.
I wrote a bit about how I was so indignant when, at the job that I lasted three weeks at, one of the employees told me to be careful with my doodles, because if the managers saw it they would chew me out. This outraged me greatly. Why? Why should that matter so much, the simple drawing of little creatures to entertain and bring delight to my friends? I think at the time, I inherently knew that was a threat, and wasn’t right, but I see now very clearly, what that implication was.
A ban on doodling – that was a threat to self-expression, and freedom – basically, to living. That’s what was on the line.
The same, with Tommy’s doodles.
HAKUMUSU 