Scene – Student is sitting in college philosophy class. Professor is in a particularly tempestuous mood. Every other student is scrolling through Tik Tok on their phones.
*Professor is unaware of every student on phone. Professor has singled out Student not on phone.*
“Tell me son, is the life of a rat’s any difference from that of a human’s?”
*Student feels skin on his face concernedly.*
“Professor, my skin is so dry. Do you have any lotion? I forgot to put my African Shea Nut Butter on this morning.”
“Damn your skin! And no, sorry I don’t have any. Listen to me!”
*Professor slams hands down on table and looks directly at Student.*
“Answer me this – Is the life of a rat’s any different from that of a human’s?”
*The Student think this over.*
“Where does the rat live?”
“New York City.”
“And the human as well?”
“Yes.”
“I would say they are about equal, then.”
“And why is that?”
“Well, the rats don’t have to ride the train. I hear they have pretty good mental health care in their community as well.”
“If you believe this, then would you have any problem with trading places with a New York City rat? Assuming that you do live in New York City.”
*Student thinks this over.*
“Can I pick the rat?”
“No. Completely random.”
“Ok. No problem.”
“Interesting..”
*The Professor lifts hands up off of table and brings finger up to mouth in a contemplative gesture.*
“Ellie!”
*Professor attempts to get the attention of a female student in the back.*
“Ellie!!!”
*Ellie is lost in the Tok.*
*Student throws eraser at Ellie.*
“Wha- Oh my god.”
*Ellie is jolted back to reality. Professor slams hands back down on desk. Professor likes doing this.*
“What were you watching just now?”
*Professor is accusative.*
“Uhm.. I can’t remember.”
“Just try.”
*Ellie’s brain heats up.*
“There was.. an attractive man.. He had curly hair and was speaking fast.. Something about planting seeds..”
*Professor is encouraging.*
“Go on! What kind of seeds? Why were they being planted? Why, Ellie?”
*Ellie’s brain is really cooking now.*
“Seeds.. yes, yes they were lemon seeds! I remember now! I can do something with water and a paper towel and dirt! With just enough sunlight, I can grow minature lemon trees in my apartment window, and enjoy my own minature lemons!!”
*Ellie is excited.*
“Good Ellie, good!! Now, let me ask you one more question. Ellie. Ellie, stay with me girl!”
*Ellie is deep into another Tik Tok.*
*Student throws highlighter at Ellie’s face.*
“Wha- Oh my god.”
*Ellie is once again forced to return to this horrible plane of existence.*
“Ellie, I have one more question for you.”
“Ok.”
“Does the average rat in New York City have a better life than the average New Yorker?”
*Ellie sets her phone down. With a flourish, she tosses her hair back and stands up.*
“Professor, I have been waiting for someone to ask me this question for my entire life.”
*Ellie proceeds to expound upon the struggles of human existence, on the quest for individual freedom, of collective suffering, of easy access to pizza, on the differences between rats and humans.. Professor is completely engrossed. Student is furiously taking notes.*
“..moreover, in New York City both rats and humans are free to piss anywhere, on anyone, and at any time they so desire. If that is not true liberation, what is? And so, on the grounds aforementioned, I would argue that your question is fundamentally flawed, and can only be substituted by an altered and improved one – Is there any difference between the average New Yorker and the average New York rat at all?”
*Professor and Student are awestruck. They begin to applaud. Some other members of the class who have a particularly strong Pavlovian response unconsciously join in the applause.*
“Brilliant, Ellie! Brilliant!”
*Ellie bows and returns to her phone. A student in the front row, sensing a viral moment, recorded the entire speech and uploaded it at 4x speed paired with a Minecraft toilet-building compilation and a video of cats dancing to Odetari’s “GOOD LOYAL THOTS”. The video was an overnight success because Ellie was hot.*
“Class dismissed!”
*The Professor shuffles papers and walks out. Student picks up highlighter and eraser off of floor and follows him. One student has a crush on the professor and follows him out. All other students remain and continue scrolling.*
HAKUMUSU 