Scene – Two cats are at home sunning themselves. Their owner is out with friends doing things that people do when they are out with friends. The cats are at home doing things that cats do when their owners are out with friends.
Cat 1: “Imagine a world where your name is Bob Schmingus.”
Cat 2: “I don’t follow you.”
Cat 1: “In this world, you have a different name. And your name is Bob Schmingus.”
Cat 2: “Are you sure it isn’t Rob Schmingus?”
Cat 1: “I’m sure.”
Cat 2: “Ok. I’m with you now.”
“You walk down the street. It’s a beautiful sunny day. Much like today.”
“I wouldn’t be walking down the street, even if my name were Jeremy Bombingamoose.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’m not a dog.”
*Cat 2 begins to lick self.*
*Cat 1 stands up vertically as the humans do and stretches her arms out into the air expansively.*
“Oh Cat 2, just imagine it! Humor me, will you please!”
“Fine, fine. I’m walking down the street. It’s sunny. A car drives by me. I am disgusted by the exhaust.”
“Good. Now, a neighbor is walking by, your neighbor Hingenburg Jingus, and -“
“I see a dog. The dog is across the street. The dog sees me. I begin hissing aggressively! Die, foul dog!!”
“Cat 2, PLEASE. This is my hypothetical. I created this hypothetical. Please let me direct it. I am the conductor of this train.”
*Cat 2 rolls eyes.*
*Cat 1 is enraged.*
“I AM THE CONDUCTOR OF THIS TRAIN.”
“Alright, alright. You’re the conductor of this train.”
*Cat 1 exhales deeply, repeats “I can’t control others, I can only control myself” several times, and is calmed.*
“Okay. Now, where were we?”
“Hindenburg Jingus.”
“Yes. Your neighbor Hingenburg Jingus greets you with salutations. He says, ‘Hi there, Bobby.’!”
*Cat 2 sits up.*
“Oh my god. I hate being called Bobby. Can I attack him?”
*Cat 1 sighs.*
“Yes, fine. Attack him.”
“REEEEggghhhh!!!”
*Cat 2 assaults Hindenburg Jingus.*
“Hindenburg is shocked! ‘Jesus, Schmingus! What’s gotten into you???’ He cries out!”
“Tell him I’ve got the plague! I’m sick and feral! I’ve completely lost my feline senses!”
“While mauling his face, you tell him so. He throws you off of him and runs away whimpering.”
*Cat 2 lays back down on the ground, paws behind head, staring up at the ceiling full of new visions of grandeur.*
“Hehehe, yes, I like this new me. This new Bobby Schmingus.”
*Cat 1 looks at Cat 2 in surprise.*
“I thought you didn’t like being called Bobby?”
“I don’t. Not by other people.”
*Cat 2 sits up again.*
“Did the dog see me??”
*Cat 1 returns to looking out of the window. She puts her paws behind her back.*
“Yes, he saw all of it.”
*Cat 2 is relieved. He resumes his position of feline recline.*
“Yeah, that dog is not going to mess with me anytime soon.”
“Too true, Bob, too true. In fact, that dog is walking across the street now. His owner found a Tik Tok so good that she has completely forgotten she was walking her dog at all. She has dropped the leash. The dog approaches you, but clearly with no intent for trouble. In fact, the dog appears to be in reverence of you.”
“Ooh.. Perhaps he wants to offer me his services?”
“The dog approaches you. He offers you his services. ‘I am impressed by your volatile emotional state and your no-nonsense demeanor. Together, we can rule the world.’ He hands you his business card.'”
“I look at the business card. It says, ‘Sir Boo Boo, Future Ruler of The World.'”
*Cat 2 takes the card and puts it in his pocket.*
“Tell him I’ll be in touch.”
*Cat 1 is impressed.*
“Things are really going well for you, in this new world of Bob Schmingus.”
“They really are. I feel like a completely different cat.”
*Cat 1 turns around suddenly. Cat 2 is startled.*
“Wait, is that a helicopter?”
“What? Holy crap, it is!”
“It’s landing in the street right in front of you. A man in a black suit is stepping off. He walks over to you and hands you a phone. ‘It’s for you.’ He says!”
*Cat 2 jumps up, holding the phone close to his ear.*
“Hello?”
“‘Is this Bob Schmingus I am talking to?’ Says the man on the phone.”
“It’s Bob. Please, don’t waste my time. I’ve got a manipedi at 10 o’clock sharp.”
“This is the President of The United States speaking.”
“Never heard of him.”
*Cat 2 winks at Cat 1.*
“Dammit Schmingus, enough with the sass! This is serious.”
“What, you have a little mousey problem over at the White House?”
“No, Schmingus. I wish it was only mice this time.”
*The President is clearly stressed out. The President pauses.*
“It’s the Chinese.”
“The Chinese, huh?”
“Yes. You know this kills me, but.. You’re the only one we can rely on now.”
*Cat 2 sighs.*
“Stars have to shine, I guess.” *Cat 2 says to self.*
“What’s the payout?”
“10 cans of your favorite. Friskies, Chicken and Salmon Dinner In Gravy.”
“Make it 20. And I’m off the chicken and salmon. I’m into the Poultry Platter now.”
“I swear to God Schmingus, just get this done and you can have a fresh tuna sandwich and a glass of milk on your little saucer every god damned morning.”
*Cat 2 nods.*
“Leave it to me, Pres. Schmingus always gets his Friskies.”
*Cat 2 hangs up the phone and turns to the helicopter man in black suit.*
“Take me to Shanghai.”
*Cat 2 flies the helicopter himself to Shanghai. He hitchhikes to the King of China’s palace and wields his masterful one-liners and hard-earned knowledge of Chinese cuisine to stop China from buying MacDonalds and renaming it to MacWangs. He is hailed as a national defender of culture and consumes all 20 cans of Friskies in a massive hedonistic binge. Cat 1 beams with pride over the meteoric rise of her protoge.*
HAKUMUSU 