Scene – Man lays on couch in doctor’s office. Psychiatrist sitting in chair. It’s the usual business.
Psychiatrist: “Tell me why you are here.”
Man: “I have a problem with my foot. Aren’t you supposed to have a stethyscope or something.”
*Man pronounces stethiscope “steth-ee-scope“.*
Psychiatrist: “No. I am a mind doctor.”
Man: “Oh jesus I’m in the wrong room.”
Psychiatrist: “Tell me about the circumstances of your birth.”
Man: “This may surprise you. I was born completely naked.”
*Psychiatrist makes a note.*
“I see. And why are you alive now?”
“It is simply because I am not dead.”
*”Simply because I am not dead” The psychiatrist writes.*
“Very interesting. I will now ask you a series of questions related to mayonnaise.”
*Man looks at psychiatrist.*
“Is this going to help my foot?”
“Stop asking me about your foot.”
*Man looks back at the ceiling and sighs.*
“Ok.”
“What amount of mayonnaise would you estimate that you have consumed in your life? You may approximate this.”
“Mayonnaise.. consumed.. I’d say 50 pounds.”
“That’s it?”
“It could be more than that. It could be 60 pounds.”
*Psychiatrist makes a note: self-confidence issues.*
“Thank you. Now please tell me about the most traumatic event of your life. If it is too traumatic, just describe it with vague gestures and I will interpret them. I have studied the intrinsic meaning of gestures quite extensively.”
*Man is confused. Man looks at psychiatrist again.*
“You only asked me one question about mayonnaise.”
“I can ask you another but your insurance policy only covers one mayonnaise-related question.”
*Man gestures vaguely.*
“Ah, skip it.”
*Psychiatrist scribbles furiously: Considerably apathetic.*
“Tell me about your trauma.”
“Do I have to?”
“If you don’t, I will have to make things up.”
“That sounds fun.”
“Very well. You were raised on a dog farm in Korea and were meant to be slaughtered and sold as meat.”
“I’m not a dog.”
*Psychiatrist begins drawing an idyllic scene of a unicorn jumping over a rainbow.*
“Hey, are you even listening to me?”
*Man begins barking.*
*Psychiatrist is nearly completed with his drawing.*
“Doctor, is this couch made with real leather?”
“Yes. Actually I tanned the hides for it myself.”
*Man is really impressed.*
*Psychiatrist is now drawing the main character from Kimetsu no Yaiba.*
“Let’s say I was raised on a dog farm in Korea. How would I know it?”
*Psychiatrist continues drawing.*
“My childhood is actually quite blank for me. I don’t know much about it. I don’t think I would have been raised on a dog farm, and not in Korea. But there’s nothing in me that says it’s not true.”
*Psychiatrist looks up from his flawless Tanjiro drawing.*
“Do you have the perpetual fear that you will be drowned in your water bowl while you try to drink from it?”
“Oh my god. I do.”
“Based on my prior research then, it is highly likely that you were raised on a Korean dog farm.”
*Man is shaken by this revelation.*
“Jesus Christ…”
“I’m sorry, but we went a couple questions over your alloted number of questions, which was one. This visit will not be covered by your insurance.”
“What!”
“My secretary will send you a bill for ten billion dollars.”
“You’re kidding me!”
*Man is outraged.*
“Yes I am actually. It’s only five billion dollars.”
*Man is relieved.*
“Oh thank god.”
“For your foot, you can go across the street to Doctor Steve. His office is at the top of that very tall tower.”
“Doctor Steve?”
“He is a good man. Regardless of your ailment he will attempt to aggressively lower your cholesterol and give you a sleeve gastrectomy.”
“Is there an elevator in the building?”
“Yes but it’s not covered by insurance.”
*Man mutters to himself.*
“F***”
*Psychiatrist looks directly at man and lowers his glasses.*
“They say I am the best in the business.”
“Thanks Doc.”
“Please come again.”
*Psychiatrist shows man to the door. Man walks out on all fours. Man’s tail is wagging amiably. Man is actually a dog.*
HAKUMUSU 